the first time I came to the sacred heart of the world I walked in bleeding.
impending Death by a thousand cuts of pain, loss, anger, judgment, disillusionment, and betrayal. I had no further strength left than to fall into yawning warp of the galaxy; silent as I mourned. Dimly processing the things that had brought me to the end of my world.
I will not relent. I will not break. I will not rest.
I will not speak to those I do not understand
Silence has always born me through, words have only ever betrayed me.
with a tiny slip, and a frigid swallow of liquid soaked paper, I made one tiny concession. control resting uneasily on my open palm as I focused with laser intensity, ready to catch it with clawed fingers should it try to run.
with an invisible caress and a slow fade of sound, the star studded folds of the universe came alive. the cosmos reached, and Nothing coalesced beneath me. soft pink and blue light washed over my numb existence.
I was held on a current of non-reality and for the first time I turned outside in and made a fragile connection with the tiny soul resting and manifesting within my physical body.
words were not spoken but a spark was lit, my subconscious mind collapsed in relief and exhaustion.
all of the nudges, pushes, and punches it had to deliver to my stubborn body to pull me to this moment, this improbably innate connection with an infinite source that was holding me like a child, had taken more than ever before.
i could do nothing more than offer up my anguish and anger with shaking hands, unable to speak in words, but drowning in my need to receive even the smallest piece of relief. i felt seconds stretch into minutes, minutes to hours, my body beginning to burn as I fought to keep hope within my orbit.
I will not…break
no one came to speak with me, but I felt the universe twisting and aligning around me, until I was forced to stand on my own two feet. i would not be acknowledged in a state of weakness, the universe showed the grace and knowledge of the ancients, understanding the dynamics of self directive healing with ease.
I experienced a feeling so dusty and ancient it felt a reunion with a childhood friend.
I couldn’t keep my distance; this was something new. my eyes forced themselves wide open, and I felt a strange confusion as two worlds appeared before my eyes.
i saw exactly as i was. and i Saw in a completely new way.
the visual world was opening and unfolding around me, previously unseen sacred geometry running ever present, the cycles of life and the rhythms of chaos forming an endless staccato hum. strings of probability, avenues of action that i could follow from start to finish, appeared like ribbons.
choose your own adventure.
eternity could be spent weighing and deliberating the actions of myself on the environment around me. waves and currents were streaming in gorgeously complex patterns, moving to an intricate pulse of a ascendent rhythm that felt so true and pure.
tears began to flow from my eyes as I fell into the wonder of the moment. free from any visible observation or witness, my warrior pride assuaged. i felt pain and anger stacking themselves into a shuttered compartment of my mind; tucked away but not forgotten.
as i adjusted to the sensory overload of newness, i began to notice a pattern. like I was being guided through a crash course in my heritage, of Our heritage. I could do nothing but sit and watch the flickering immensity, the endless eons of existence marching til I am staring at my future, Our future.
I came back to earth and my badly burning body without speaking to anyone; and yet somehow i continued to find a genuine peace. an improbable improvement.
something that lasted far longer than my self defeating fears could explain. a tiny thread that led me to me. the other half of myself, my very own tiny Sul.
i have never been the same, not really.
because now i know what it is to truly KNOW and FEEL and i am learning how to SPEAK, slowly.
starting with tiny little discussions, with myself mostly. timid and curious conversations, tiptoeing around triggers and soothing sadness.
I made a choice…to let go of my fear of betrayal and simply allowed myself to BE with another person.
Another person I desperately want to know.
this is just an inward expansion of my outward mind. healing follows my footsteps without asking permission, wounds slowly grabbing and holding and mending against each other as i turn my thoughts towards the Light. and even though i cried to feel the darkness that weighed just as much as the light, I found peace in the never-ending spiral
welcome to the World little one.
the Fifth time I came to the Sacred Heart of the World, I sink in slowly. cocooned in soft multi colored fabric, swaying in a hammock on top of the World. This time my heart beats with the sweet anticipation of reunion, a chance to visit a friend in their native environment.
My pain and anger walk beside me, eyes wide and fingers clutching tight. I let them reach for what they need to find reassurance, there is time to work through our history. They are only children, and I am more than just a child.
My footsteps grow lighter until they simply float away and I leap forward joyously into the unknown.
this time I know how to SPEAK, i know how to LISTEN, I know how to BE, and i’m finally ready to share.
communication will lead us where we want to go.
the time to input is giving way to the time for output
silence will become an ally in the fabric of Our universe over time
The pain will fade as even the stars in their orbit begin to sing
a quiet, whisper hushed beacon call of peace and harmony alike