mental selfie: flowers in the morning

Aurealis

I remember sitting with my two college professors, discussing a failing grade in my physiology lab. Mari Jo was a tall & commanding Registered Occupational Therapist, Sharon was a fiesty & petite Certified Occupational Therapy Assistant and they both possessed a fierce command of teaching and leadership. In the end it was Mari Jo who spoke for both of them

“We have always wondered much you would be capable of, if you really, truly tried. You are incredibly bright & pick up things intuitively, but then you get bored just as quickly, and it causes you to lose the thread because we elevated from simple to hard very quickly & you missed the steps in between. We truly believe you would surprise yourself if you dedicated yourself to an assignment for the purpose of which it was created; to help you learn” 

I remember all of this because I journaled about it, and then avoiding thinking about those stinging words. To me it never felt like a compliment, more like an indictment of my validity as a human. Now, looking back, it’s an incredibly accurate insight into the core elements of my chief operating personality & learning style, as well as constructive & motivating advice.

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Back then I took their words at face value, and exactly as they applied to that singular situation (physiology lab). Now I can look back at that same statement and apply it to many aspects of my life. And now, there really isn’t much sting in those words at all.

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Because they were true, & they were helpful. A large shift in my thinking lately has been to acknowledge the pain in my past and re-examine the situation to see what I can learn from it with a fresh lens.

It’s not good to dwell on the past, but it’s also not good to let the past dwell with you. I’m learning that I’m in control of this ferris wheel and I can reinforce the behaviors I want to develop with attention & participation.

My goal for the month of June is to shift my thinking away from future tense and back to present tense. I do daydream and I do get bored easily. I create ideas and frameworks and then get distracted by a shiny daydream just around the corner. I want to stop thinking about what I WILL do and start focusing on what I AM doing.

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In fact what I’m currently doing is fieldwork & research for a(n) upcoming book(s). Also nurturing the fledgling beginnings of a passionate jump into the creative field including professional photography, videography, & consulting, designing and hand twisting wire & crystal creations, nurturing my hummingbird sanctuary on my patio, and designing a life that is shaped just for me.

And this time around, I am more than gentle with myself. I’m here to learn. I want to know. I’ve learning to trust my gut and follow intuitions. To trust my reactions and my emotions as I continue to explore the world around me with a cautious joy.

I want to know what would happen, if I really, truly tried.

 

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